monster sarcasm rally

More life lessons from the new poster child for anti-drug campaigns...
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at 09:38 Saint said...
Dear BigPimpin,
Recently, while watching the movie "The Horse Whisperer," I found myself considering what a beautiful animal horses are. Their tight, firm muscles that ripple under their coats of soft fur. The way that fur might feel against your skin. There's something in the eyes of a horse that touches me, and makes me feel that the gentle beast might understand me in a way that few people ever could. I feel drawn to these animals, and the feeling that I have can only be expressed as love. Yes, I am in love with a horse. A female horse, to be sure, but a horse nonetheless. Our love will know no boundaries, and no fence is high enough to keep us apart.
Anyway, after the movie was over, I got up and made a sandwhich. This brings me to my question; should condiments be spread on both pieces of bread or only on one? All of my past relationships have failed based on my belief that mustard and mayo should be evenly devided between bread slices, and I can't seem to find a girl who truly understands this. What should I do?

Ha ha hey try-sexual stud!
u r confused. ur looken at this from a girls prespectif. wat u gotta aks urself is if ur looken for a wife or a slut? if a chick sais shell Sleep wif u its all good. it do'nt matter wat kinda sanwitch she likes to eat or if she dosent eat. Sluts r for 1 thing so if you dont haf too by her Dinner thas good. If u finished with sewing ur wild Horses an ur lookin for a wife tha'ts differnt but not reely. If she wants to get with u for reel then u jest gotta tell her how u like things doen. Don give her a chanse to do it her way or shell be doin it like that always. if she brings u you're dinner an it ai'nt write you Make her do it over again. you gotta tell that Slut whose boss.
ha ha ha jus kidden BigPimpin
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Dear BigPimpin,
As you know, we had a huge snow storm last night. I was unable to drive home, as I live in the Sticks. I tried to call the Sarcastrix, but said she couldn't hear the phone ring on account of the fact that some loser was loudly complaining about sluts, thus drowning out all other sound in a 12-block radius.
I called one of the guys from the office to see if I could stay at his place. He said he didn't want me to because people would think it was strange. I'm confused. He's tried to sleep with me on many occasions, but he freaked out when I wanted to sleep on his couch. It was an emergency and I had nowhere else to go. Should I still go to Mexico with him on vacation?
New Chick

Yo Hot chic,
The guy has evry write to be afrade. If u were sleepin wif him People wud think hes cool. but u jes wanted to sleep on his couch. if other ppl in the office herd that u stayd their but din't get it on wif him they might think hes Gay. Even if it was a emergincy. u wuz sleepin at his house without u know payin 4 it no wat i mean. that makes him Gay. if he don't want ppl thinkin hes Gay then he hasta look out for hemself its nothen Personel.
BigPimpin(I am not Gay)

PS if u go to mexico wif him u better put out.
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