monster sarcasm rally

In order to distinguish between the real-life actions of Chris and his letters of advice, I'm hereby changing the name of the advice columnist segment of himself to BigPimpin. I don't want any of my imaginary readers to become confused between the real person and the letters he writes*.
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-----Original Message-----
From: Rachel
Sent: Tuesday, 1 March 2005 13:50
To: Sarcastrix
Dear BigPimpin,
One of my closest friends is legally blind. She can see things sort of blurrily, but for the most part, can't see well enough to function without a walking stick. She's getting married next week, and as a gift, I took her to a spa and we got all sorts of treatments - manicures, pedicures, massages, and facials. The thing is, she must have had allergies, because the chemical that they used in the facials seems to have stripped most of the skin off of her face, leaving her complexion bumpy, welt-y, red, and gross-looking. Seriously, she looks like a real troll. I haven't told her yet, because I don't know how to approach the subject or suggest that she have a "Masquerade" wedding or something where she could wear a mask. You seem to have profound insights regarding women, so I trust you enough to do what you tell me to.
Sincerely,
The Prettier One

Yoyoyo hey Pretty lady how you doin'
ha ha ha im jus kiddin. you werry two much. this reely cudn't of happened at a better time for ur Troll frend. shes gettin maryd so she dosen't Need to pick up ne more studs. you prolly shud a waited till after the wedding tho cause the Dude mite not wanna merry a slut dat looks like a dog. ok ok i have a idea u shud get ur frend to where 1 of them things over her ugly face in the wedding. an make sure the dude do'nt see her afor then. like mebbe tell him she's got some kinda disease like Chlamydia or something. you jes gotta make sure to tell him she'l b better by the day. im always hapy to help the ladys out wif there problems if theirs anythen else i can do to you jus call me.
BigPimpin

PS chill!!!!!!!!!!!! you shud smoke some Dexter then you wont worry so much.

at 11:53 CBK said...
Dear BigPimpin,
I seem to be psychologically compelled to capitalize the letter "s" whenever I write the word "Smart." No matter the context, I must capitalize that letter every time I use that word. Does this say anything about me? Do you have any insight into such compulsions? Is there a universal rule for such behavior? Thanks for listening and keep up the great advice!

hey dude
i wuz'nt relly sure wat u wuz sayin but sarcostix sais a Catipol is a big letter. dude nobody cares about dat Stuff no more all that grammer and crap its all in the Past. ppl don really use that now. ha ha im jus kidden u shud spell stuff right and do grammer. its importent or ppl r gonna think ur dum.
BigPimpin
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*By 'he writes' I mean 'I write and sign his name to'.
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