monster sarcasm rally

Following in the footsteps of Dear Creepy Old Man, I have decided to run a series of Letters from the Editor. To borrow a phrase from Frater Bovious, 'this will be a sometime feature' here at Monster Sarcasm Rally. Aren't you lucky...

Dear Spam-Faxer,

I am writing with respect to the note you faxed over this afternoon. Surely you'll remember it; it's the one with 'FAXING SUCKS' written in large, bold all-caps letters at the top of the page. I am writing to advise you that I absolutely concur with that statement. The rest of the note is a load of codswallop, but the heading at least is correct.

In my place of employment, I have the pleasure of sitting in front of the fax machine. Not only does the evil beast drone incessantly, but the powers that be have dictated that it is my responsibility to make sure that faxes get to their intended destination. This means that I have to go through the 50 or so pages that come in each day, weed out the uninmaginative, repetitive spam-faxes and find the one page that's actually addressed to somebody who works here.

I am not your secretary. I am not anybody's secretary. I am not any of the modern euphemisms created to replaced the word secretary! My father may believe that Editor is synonymous with Secretary, but this is due only to his extreme disappointment at my failure become an Engineer, like the good little girl he expects me to be. Any job, any career I might have is certainly inferior to the career I would have if I had done what he had told me to do and is therefore 'just a secretary'.

But never you mind about that...

I am not writing to lament my inability to please my father.

I am writing to...
...take out my frustration...
[no no, not right]
...to advise you that your advertising goes stright into the recycling bin...
[no, never mind; it's our toner and our paper. Why would you care?]
...to express my outrage that you would actually state that you want your 'recipients to be informed and respected, not frustrated'...
[what the heck, you don't care]
...to inform you that your statement about bringing 'integrity and effectiveness to Faxing' is infuriating for the errant capital letter alone...
[no, no, no...]
...to suggest that you make the world a better place and consider suicide as a viable life-choice.
[yes, that's it, that'll do]

Please consider using a passive (e.g. pills, poison, carbon monoxide...) method as opposed to jumping in front of a subway train on your way home. Subway jumpers cause ridiculous delays in service and hold up thousands of other passengers, preventing them from getting home in time to watch Buffy.

Thank you for your time and attention.

Sincerely,
The Sarcastrix