monster sarcasm rally

I called around to get quotes. The first place I called said it would be $80 per hour. Obviously, without seeing anything, they couldn't tell me how long the work would take. The woman said it was rare for it to take more than an hour to replace a set of taps, but it could happen. The next place I called said it would be $50 to come out to tell me how much it would be. I asked what the hourly rate was. I was told that they don't charge by the hour, they charge by the job. Well, if the job takes one hour and requires no parts, how much would it be? She said that only the plumber could answer that, and again it's $50 to get him to answer that.

I called the first company back and arranged for the plumber to come by that afternoon.

He was supposed to be there at 5.30. I rushed home from work to get there before him. At 6.15 his office called to say that he would be arriving at 7.00. At 8.15 his office called to say he would be there momentarily. At 9.00 he arrived.

I showed him the problem and what I had done so far. He said it was no problem. He assured me that it was very straightforward and that it wouldn't take very long.

I went and sat in the living room with Ford and Anne. The plumber came to the door at 9.35 to say that he was finished. I went into the kitchen. The new taps were on. They worked. Everything was done. Yippee!

The plumber went to put his tools back in his van and get his invoice book. We sat down at 9.40 to do the paperwork. Then he handed me a bill for $140 plus tax.

Nope. Not a chance. I was quoted $80 per hour. The job took you 40 minutes. I will pay you $80 and not a penny more. Round and round we went. This, he assured me, was the flat rate for replacing kitchen taps. $80, I assured him, was the hourly rate I'd been quoted. Some taps, he said, took longer than an hour so the flat rate had to incorporate that. My taps, I reminded him, took 40 minutes. He had been here for a full hour, he lied. Whatever, I said. I'm not paying for more than an hour. $140 is the flat rate, he repeated, assuming the taps take only one hour. Then he showed me somebody else's bill. They had paid $260 (plus parts) to have their taps replaced. Not my problem, I said.

Round and round and round.

In the end, he wrote me a bill for $140 and I gave him what I promised. I told him I would take the remainder up with his office the next day. I'll be writing them a letter stating that they have received all the money they're going to be receiving.

I'm very good at writing professional, polite letters that nonetheless make it abundantly clear that I ain't budging. I like writing them and I do so to great effect. If I do say so myself...