monster sarcasm rally

Setting: A plain, grey cubicle in a plain, beige office. Our heroine is dialling the phone.

Generic Female Voice: Addison Used Appliance. [I hate my job.]
Sarcastrix: Hi. I came in on the weekend and bought a dishwasher. It doesn't work. When I turn it on, nothing happens. I've tried different cycles, different electrical outlets. Nothing. [I paid for a dishwasher, and yet I'm still washing everybody's dishes by hand!]
GFV: What do you mean it doesn't work? What does it do? [These young people today, always trying to get away with something...]
S: Nothing. It does nothing. No matter what I do, it does nothing. [How do you not get that from 'nothing'?]
GFV: Why? [My fingernails need more filing and they could do with another coat of this lovely fire engine red paint.]
S: I don't know why. I've tried everything I can think of, but it won't do anything. [What the hell kind of question is that?]
GFV: Well, I don't know what could have happened to it. [I don't know what you're trying to pull, but I'm not falling for it.]
S: Neither do I. I need you guys to either fix it or trade it for a different one. [Maybe even one that works!]
GFV: We'll fix it. It's obviously something quite simple. [So you're trying to scam your way into a more expensive model, are you?]
S: Okay. [Whatever.]
GFV: I'll get the service manager. [I think I'm going to go have another drink. What the hell, it's almost lunch time.]
S: Okay. [You do that.]


[shockingly not over-long pause]

Generic Male Voice: Hi. I understand you bought a dishwasher. [Crap, Evelyn's on the sauce again.]
S: Yes, I did. It doesn't work. [Am I going to have to explain everything again?]
GMV: What does it do? [I'm going to make you explain everything again.]
S: It doesn't do anything. [Kinda like you, I'm thinking.]
GMV: You know you have to pull the little knob, right? [Dumb chick.]
S: Yes, I know that. [Are you for real?]
GMV: It won't work unless you turn it on. [Why do I get all the idiots? Who doesn't know how to turn a dishwasher on?]
S: I'm aware of that. I would like you to fix it or replace it, and I would like you to do it today. [Like for real...]
GMV: Okay. I'll come by tomorrow and have a look. [I'll show you how to use the knob, little lady.]
S: When? [What am I supposed to sit home all day and wait?]
GMV: When I have time. [You can just wait for me in some pretty little neg-luh-jee.]
S: Great. [Bite me, you great lumbering oaf.]
GMV: See you then. [I wonder if Evelyn's got any of that scotch left.]
S: Bye. [*unintelligible screaming*]