monster sarcasm rally

Me: [angrily punching phone number for Bell Canada]
Way Too Polite Automated Voice: Welcome to Bell Canada. To continue in English, please say English.
Me: [fuming] English
WTPAV: Thank you. Please listen to...
Me: [steam coming out ears] I want to talk to a real person right frigging now!
WTPAV: Okay. I'll transfer you to an attendant, but first I'll need to ask you a few simple questions. What is the area code and phone number you're calling about?
Me: [clearly states number]
WTPAV: Okay. Please listen to the following options. When I say the one that corresponds with the reason for your call, please repeat it back to me. [pause] Technical Support and Repair. [pause] Billing. [pause] Moving. [pause] None of these.
Me: [over-annunciating] None of these.
WTPAV: Thank you. Please have the address of the location to which you will be moving handy. While we're looking after your move request, we can also transfer your internet service and your satellite service.
Me: [muttering under breath]

Time passes. Christmas ads for all the lovely products you can buy from Bell play in the background.

Real Live Perky Person: Hi! How can I provide you with excellent service today?
Me: You can't. I do not have an account with Bell. My home phone service is through Sprint because you people are idiots. What I would like you to do today is stop giving out my phone number to people who are trying to call the TD Bank.
RLPP: I'm sorry?
Me: If you call the TD Bank at 416______, you get an automated announcement telling you that the number has been changed. Then it tells you to call my home phone number instead. I would like you to stop doing this immediately.
RLPP: Please hold.

Time passes. More Christmas propaganda.

RLPP: Hi, thank you for waiting patiently. I'm on the other line with our business services office. They're looking into the matter. Please hold.

More time. More Christmas.

RLPP: Hi! I'm still on hold with the business services office. I'm going to let you go, but I assure you we'll look after it. Is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: [maniacal laughter]

the end