monster sarcasm rally

(contains short works of neurotica and general abuses of sarcasm)

23.12.04

My dog performs miracles. Does yours?

Remember the feeding of the 5,000? Jesus finds himself surrounded by a mob of 5,000 — all hungry, cranky, and possessed of dangerously low blood-sugar. Of the entire lot, only one little boy had the foresight to bring lunch with him. He gives his little loaves and fishies to Jesus, who manages to use one child's lunch to feed the hordes. Then his disciples clean up the leftovers, which somehow fill 12 big baskets.

Yup. That's what my dog's been doing. Only with hair instead of food.

Apparently he's decided that the world is suffering from some sort of hair shortage. And he's going to cure it single-handedly.

I started brushing Beandog last night. Every minute or so, I cleaned out the brush and placed the hair in a pile on the ground. Pretty soon there was a small mountain of hair in the middle of my living room floor. At one point, I had to send in a search team to locate my other dog, who got lost in an expedition to the centre of Hair Mountain.

I never did finish, but eventually I got bored and stopped brushing. It's not like any less hair was coming off him. Nope. Is he bald now? Nope. He looks exactly the same as he did before the release. I could have kept going all night. I'm convinced that the entire living room would have filled up, floor to ceiling, and still Beandog would remain as hairy as ever.

I am saving the hair to have it spun into yarn. Then I'm going to ship it off to my mother for her to knit me a toque and maybe an afghan or 16. Oh, you think I'm joking, do you? Check out the following...
http://www.amazon.ca/exec/obidos/ASIN/0312152906/qid%3D1103815095/701-9451994-2657151
http://www.vipfibers.com/knitting-project-ideas.htm
http://www.dettasspindle.com/WoofspunDogYarn/WoofspunDogYarn.html
|| this is the word of the sarcastrix @ 09:59

everybody's 2¢ worth:

at 11:16 Blogger cat said...
my dog performs miracles, too! annie and beandog should totallt start a telethon for all those poor bald animals out there. they can covern the world!

 
at 11:30 Anonymous Anonymous said...
The stupid part is that the Stinky Monkey actually needs the hair. I have to keep shaving his off, so he's bald. He hates winter because he's so small and scrawny and has no hair to protect him.

And yes, I really do have to shave it off. He's part poodle, part shih tsu. He's got the tight, spiral curls of a poodle, but the long hair of a shih tsu. It dreads itself as soon as it grows in. The longer it grows in, the more painful it is for him to be shaved.

Maybe I can get my mother to knit a sweater for him from all the leftover Beandog hair.

sarcastrix

 
at 11:34 Anonymous Anonymous said...
And Cat, don't forget to save all Annie's hair! It's as warm as wool, but not so scratchy.

sarcastrix

 
at 16:53 Blogger cat said...
only i am allergic to wool and dog fur. so i don't think that would do me any better. heh.

maybe we can just make little jackets for stinky monkey?

 
at 17:47 Blogger SJ said...
Apparently Jesus' dog had the same problem. Jesus used to just snap his fingers and the hair would magically grow back. You should try that. We all have the power. I have been known to do many things. I can turn wine into water. And I can turn my car into a side street. I can't pull a rabbit out a hat but I can pull a hare out of my butt. (Ha!) Anyway, point being - Jesus/ Dog/ You/ Miracles - give it a go, my Lord...

 
at 18:40 Anonymous Anonymous said...
Cat: Wahaddaya mean your allergic to dog fur??? That's crazy talk!

Ian: Um... Never mind... I can't think of the appropriate response to that.

sarcastrix

 

Post a Comment